


Let's Pretend

by GoodJanet



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Bad Ideas, Bad Sex, Dialogue Heavy, Dirty Talk, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Frottage, Gay Panic, Heavy Angst, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Incest, Intercrural Sex, Internalized Homophobia, Pining, Sex Tapes, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 07:26:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7036081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodJanet/pseuds/GoodJanet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mac wants to prove to The Gang that he's straight. He thinks making a sex tape with Dee is the way to do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's Pretend

**Author's Note:**

> Prompts taken from the Porn Battle: black out drunk, scheming, lowering standards, sex tape, & disgust

“I like girls, Dee.”

“Mac, there’s no way you’re into girls.”

“Let me prove it to you then!”

Dee rolls her eyes and cracks open another beer. She takes a swig.

“Prove it how, exactly?” she asks with a quirked eyebrow.

“We can do what Dennis does. We’ll make a sex tape. Then you’ll see that I can, in fact, get an erection with a chick, and then the guys can have proof that I slam ass!”

“Slam ass? Really? You want Frank and Charlie and Dennis to watch you try and fail to stick it in me? Because that sounds like a nightmare.”

“Dee, come on!” Mac begs. “Think about it! If I can’t get it up, then it proves you’re right, and if I’m soft, I wouldn’t even be able to fuck you anyway. But if I can get hard, then you get some no strings attached sex out of the deal.”

Dee takes another drink while she thinks it over. It had been a while since she’d last gotten laid. And it hadn’t even been good sex. And Mac wasn’t ugly like Frank or disgusting like Charlie or…anything like whatever Dennis was. In either scenario, she _would_ be getting something out it.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll make a fucking sex tape with you. But I’m going to get black out drunk because no way am I letting your dick—hard or soft—near me while I’m sober. You got that?”

“You want me to plow you while you’re unconscious? That seems a little—”

He makes a face and some odd hand motions because he doesn’t want to say _that_ word.

“Dummy, it’s not rape if I’m telling you it’s what I want. If I’m going to lower my standards like this, I don’t want to remember it after the fact. So now that that bullshit is out of the way, where are we gonna get a bedroom and a camera?”

~*~*~*~*~*~

“’re doin’ this in Dennis’ room?” Dee slurs indignantly. “God, that’s so gross.”

“Well, he has a bedroom with a camera already installed, so…”

Mac shrugs, and Dee tosses her empty bottle of vodka into a corner of the room where it shatters and sits down on her brother’s bed.

“Are we recording?”

“Yeah, it’s all set.”

“Where’s the camera?” she asks.

He points to the nearly hidden lens on the dresser, and she stars right at it, knowing who her audience is, and says, “You only want to fuck me because my brother’s not a homo like you.” 

“Dennis,” he tells the camera, shoving Dee out of the way. “That is not true at all. I want this shit to stop. And I totally want to fuck Dee right now.”

Dee snorts and stumbles towards the bed.

“Should I take my panties off now so you can slip it to me, or do you wanna do it yourself, gayboy?”

“I’m not gay,” he says and rips her tiny blue thong off her hips.

“Hey! That cost me $20 at Victoria’s Secret!”

Mac ignores her and lets his robe fall off his shoulders because wearing clothes, he had said, would only hinder the process. He looks down at Dee on the bed: slap happy, wearing nothing but an oversized tee shirt, giggling at God only knew what. She was pretty drunk, which meant she was pliable and open to suggestion and had already given her consent, so what exactly was he waiting for?

“What are you waiting for, Mac? Show me how much your cock likes my vagina.”

She lets her knees fall open, giving the camera a clear view between her legs. She pictures Charlie and Frank getting boners while Dennis watched with sick fascination. Would Dennis get hard too? Would he want to finish the job that Mac couldn’t? Dee looks at Mac’s dick; it was as limp as a rope.

“I knew it! You’ve got free reign over my vagina right now, and all you’re doing is standing there staring at me like a jackass. Can’t we call it quits now?”

“I am not gay!”

And before Dee can react, he pounces on her and pins her wrists down on either side of her head of wild blonde hair. She stares up at him with her big green eyes; the fright from him yelling and jumping on the bed must have sobered her up a little. He didn’t mean to scare her that badly.

“I—I’m not gay,” he says softly, like he’s saying it just to her and not for the camera at all.

She nods. Maybe she shouldn’t have goaded him so hard. His grip on her wrists eases up.

“I’m not gay,” he repeats.

“I know,” she says. Because it’s easier that way.

The red light on the camera flickers, and she suddenly doesn’t want anyone in the gang to see this, but if she knows Dennis, he probably has other cameras in here that they aren't even aware of. Now was the time to come up with a scheme to get out of this on top. They’d let it go this far; they had to at least _try_ it.

“Kiss me.”

“What?”

“Kiss me!”

She grabs his face and sticks her tongue in his mouth. Dee forces him not to cringe and run away so she can tell him her plan. He pulls away panting, looking more lost than ever. He looks like a scared, naked, confused puppy dog. Dee lays it out for him.

“If you don’t fuck me on camera, they’ll all know you like dudes, and they’ll all say I’m the reason why. They’ll say I’m the fugly bird who turned you queer. We’ll never live it down if we just walk out of here without even trying.”

“Dee, how—?”

She scratches her nails down his back, and Mac moans in pain. She hopes it sounds like something else. She hopes Dennis’ creep cams pick it up loud and clear. As evidence or some shit.

“I don’t care what we need to do to get you hard, but it’s going to happen. Now grab my tits and motorboat me or some shit while I talk dirty to you.”

“Like through your tee shirt or…?”

“God damn it! Just do something, you idiot!”

He wrinkles his nose, but he puts his hands up her shirt anyway and cups her breasts.

"Now what?"

“Rub my nipples.”

“Dee.”

“Dennis likes his nipples rubbed.”

She’d cross her fingers if she could, and she holds her breath, hoping he’ll take the bait. His thumbs brush over her peaks. She wants to win this thing, even if winning means getting fucked by Mac to keep Dennis (and Charlie and Frank) from ridiculing ~~the two of them~~ her. 

“He does?”

“Mhmm. And we’re twins, right? So that means whatever Dennis likes, I like too. But I’m a chick, so it’s not gay!” she says in a rush.

A smile break out over his face and the rubbing continues in a way that actually feels pretty good. He sighs in relief, and she feels pretty proud of herself for cracking Mac’s code despite the bottle of vodka she had for lunch.

“What else does Dennis like?”

Well shit. She’d never thought that far ahead. She’d only caught him jerking off and sleeping around a few times in high school and college. She gags a little at having to think back to something like that.

“Choking. He likes to be choked. Duct tape and zip ties.”

“But I don’t want to hurt you, Sweet Dee.”

Jesus, he sounded like a little kid. Ew, gross, no. Not a little kid. Not here. He sounded like a dummy. A naïve little dummy who was naked in bed with a pretty girl and all he wanted was to treat her right and get dicked in the ass.

“Dennis likes girls,” she says. “Dennis likes fucking girls hard and showing them that he’s the boss. He likes flipping them over so he can’t see their face, and he can pretend they’re anyone he wants them to be.”

(If the tapes were anything to go by...)

“Oh. Oh!”

Dee nods emphatically. Yes, okay, finally. 

“So I’ll turn over, and you start jacking off to the idea of fucking someone. Someone with blue eyes and short brown curls that smell like coconut?”

She flips over onto her stomach and listens to Mac start pulling at his dick. He opens one of Dennis’ side table drawers. A cap snaps open, and then there is the slick sound of Mac pounding off. She doesn't even give a second though to the idea that he knew exactly where Dennis kept his lube. Mac slicks himself up, and he gives these little breathy moans while he does it, and it actually gets Dee a little wet. She wonders how Dennis is going to feel about the role he’s playing in this video (if he ever really does watch it). Somehow, he feels just as present here as she is.

“Tell me more, Dee,” Mac moans.

“Jesus, okay. This someone has a sensitive waist. It bruises so easily. You can grab them by the waist and suddenly, there’s ten little fingerprints blooming. And their ass is like mine, right? Exactly the same.”

Mac moans, and Dee takes a peak over her shoulder to see Mac staring at her ass like he had big plans for it. And judging by the length of his dick, “big” plans were just about right. Time to stick a pin that idea.

“Mac, fucking my ass would just prove they were right.”

She says it while snapping her fingers, and Mac shakes his head as he comes back to the surface. Mac swallows hard and tries not to look disappointed as he licks his lips and keeps stroking away at his dick. If Dee’s being honest with herself, it’s kind of hot to watch, and she hopes that she’s not so drunk that she forgets this part, even if it is being recorded for posterity.

“Can I—Can I, um. Not go into your ass, per se, but just kind of rub my dick between your cheeks and then work my way down to your vag?”

Shit. Yeah. She can get behind that action.

“I swear to god, if you raw dog me, I’m cutting your dick and balls off, and then it won’t matter what your orientation is because you won’t have anything to fuck anyone with. We clear on that?”

“Yes, yeah. Jesus, Dee. I’m not a monster!”

“Okay,” she says.

She spreads her knees apart and lifts her hips up off the bed. She’s careful to keep her shoulders and head down in an effort to maintain this illusion she’s created for him. She wonders if he’s still thinking of Dennis when the head of his cock butts up against her ass. Mac moans a little louder than before, and it gets Dee even wetter than before.

Mac pulls back and ruts between her thighs and against her ass and in between her pert ass cheeks. And fuck, now she’s rethinking that whole ‘vag only’ thing she was going on about just minutes ago. There was something about the rough way he was gripping her hips and how he thrust against her that tells her he’d fuck her ass right. That he’d be nothing like those guys in college who claimed to know what they were doing.

“Fuck, Mac,” she keens.

Her hands grip the pillow beneath her, and it hits her out of nowhere that this is Dennis’ pillow. That’s when tip of Mac’s cock decides to graze her center, and she buries her face into the pillow and screams in frustration as she breathes in the scent of Dennis’ shampoo and cologne. Fuck Charlie and fuck Frank and fuck Dennis most of all for this stupid plan. And fuck her for being too competitive and too desirous of Dennis’ attention to back down. How could she when he had looked at her with sick fascination as Mac told them what they were going to do? His face said everything despite him not even saying a word, _You’re really going to do this?_

“Fuck me, Mac. Fucking fuck me already!”

Her voice sounds shrill even to her own ears, and all she can see is Dennis’ face in her head looking smug and judging her for her neediness while he rewound this moment over and over again.

“Okay, okay,” Mac gulps. “I’ll try, okay?”

He’s gotten less and less sure of himself as this whole thing had gone on. When he’d had the stupid idea, he was all straight and confident, and now he was this timid little bitch that she had to coax and prod into keeping a stiffy, all because her brother didn’t think the two of them could pull this off. Dee quivers when he presses against her opening, and when he finally slides into her, she’s relieved in more ways than one.

“Oh god, fuck. Sweet baby Jesus. Mac.”

She cringes when she realizes she mentioned Jesus, but hopefully his desire to prove his heterosexuality in this moment would be enough to help him stay hard. Maybe his beliefs that men were supposed to lie only with women would keep him hard enough to come. But then Mac starts moving, and now that was one less thing for her navigate through.

“You’re so warm.”

Shit, he was going to sweet talk her. Oh shit. That was the good stuff. How did he know? How did he know to go right for the praise?

“You’re soft. So soft,” he says, running surprisingly gentle hands over her back.

“Yeah, well, you are _not_ so soft. That thing’s huge! I always thought guys lied about shit like that.”

“Seriously, Dee. Don’t talk anymore. Please.”

Her eyes widen, and she’d give him a death stare over her shoulder if she didn’t think that would end everything prematurely. She doesn’t even have to ask him who he’s thinking of. She doesn’t know why it’s bothering her so much when he’s bedded plenty of dudes who called her various names or had her dress up like different people. Hell, she was just was guilty herself! But somehow having Mac tell her outright that he was imagining Dennis stung. Because Dennis would never care enough to try and do this for Mac. Because she didn’t mind entertaining his crush, but unlike all the other times, she’d have to see Mac and Dennis again. She would have to learn to live with the fact “winning” this bet was a hollow victory at best and was Dennis’ wank material at worst.

“I’m close. I’m so close,” Mac moans.

Usually that kind of talk combined with strong hands controlling her hips was enough to get her off, but any arousal from earlier was now gone. She hates that she’s going to forever associate this night with the smell of Dennis’ cologne.

“Just, ahhh, just say something mean to me,” Mac says.

“ _Mean_ to you?”

“Ah, fuck. Like Dennis. Say something mean, so I can— _shit!_ ”

If god was real, she’s certain that after this night, he would send her for hell. So she bites the bullet.

“You’ll never be good enough for him,” she says.

He comes inside her with a sob before collapsing onto her back. He does it slowly, she notes, like a wilting flower or a melting candle. Dee feels his semen drip onto the sheets, and she wonders if Dennis will force her to clean them or burn them and buy him new bedding. Dee rolls over onto her side, forcing Mac off of her. Still, he wraps his arms around her, and she lets him even though his sweaty skin and wet eyes are too much to have to bear.

Her eyes flick over to the camera, and she sees the red light is still on, which means they’re still being recorded. She blinks knowingly at the lens, and suddenly, the light is no longer on. Which can only mean he had been watching them from the start from some remote location.

“The camera’s off now,” she says, pulling the covers up over them.

“I’ll never be good enough for him,” Mac repeats. “Will I?”

“No,” she says bluntly. “No one’s good enough for him.”

Because Dennis isn’t capable of love or any other human emotion, and even though Mac was a douche, he still deserved someone better than Dennis. When Mac’s tears flow fresh, Dee’s glad he stopped the recording.


End file.
